hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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