so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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