I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
