Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
