my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
