No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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