Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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