I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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