At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
