It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
