I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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