I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
