oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
