I just made out with a guy for $7.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
