I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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