For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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