i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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