the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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