you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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