i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
