im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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