Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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