Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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