where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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