Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
