Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
