there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
