I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
