I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
