My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
