last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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