did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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