I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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