I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
True strength comes from lack of pants
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
