My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
