So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
