dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
either way he was missing a nipple.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
