I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
