Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
