operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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