The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
