I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
