My liver just broke up with me...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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