Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
