your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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