i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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