butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
