i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
