That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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