is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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