The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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