Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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