Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
