My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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