new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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