WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
