I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
