You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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