Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
