I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
