so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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